LYRICS TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES (Bob Kevoian & Steve Allee) It started in a garden where Eve and Adam both were bare In the buff and hanging free Naked by the apple tree (Chorus) Take off your clothes (it’s so much fun) Take off your clothes (with everyone) Take off your clothes (feels sublime) (Let’s stay naked all the time) Hit the beach and warm sunshine Leave that bathing suit behind Oil up your legs and tush Careful not to burn the bush (Chorus) When I see a pretty girl, one I’d like to meet I’m not shy I just say You look good enough to eat (Chorus) First day at the nudist camp My little lady sure got damp Soaking from her head to feet Watching all that swinging meat (Chorus) Ladies you’re my weakness this I must admit As long as I have a face You have got a place to sit (Chorus) ABBREVIATIONS (Bob Kevoian, Whit Grayson & Charlie Smith) The G-D, I-R-S, wants cash P-D-Q No money in my A-T-M, won’t take my I-O-U So I had a P-B-R, and a couple M-G-D’s Then I got a D-U-I, from and unmarked C-H-P F-Y-I, B-F-D, I want my friends to drink with me Come on by A-S-A-P as you know B-Y-O-B I saw on C-N-N, an elected R-E-P Spread his D-N-A, in Washington D-C, The F-B-I and C-I-A put out an A-P-B Now he’s S-O-L, that filthy S-O-B F-Y-I, B-F-D, I want my friends to drink with me Come on by A-S-A-P as you know B-Y-O-B My girl has P-M-S, mean as the K-G-B Retaining H-2-O, explodes like T-N-T We met on A-O-L; she’s really H-O-T Her lacy B-R-A, is forty D-D-D F-Y-I, B-F-D, I want my friends to drink with me Come on by A-S-A-P as you know B-Y-O-B I want my friends to drink with me and sweetheart that’s OK Pull down my B-V-D’s and give me A-B-J F-Y-I, B-F-D, I want my friends to drink with me Come on by A-S-A-P as you know B-Y-O-B IN MY DREAMS (Bob Kevoian) It’s Friday night you’ve been here before The ten-dollar cover gets you through the door You have to see her no matter what the price She’s your favorite dancer at club paradise Her great ass is so nice She likes you yeah right In your dreams You gave her fifty single dollar bills You tucked each one oh it gave you chills You bought her drinks at three times the price You blew your wad at club paradise Her great ass is so nice She likes you yeah right In your dreams She says she likes the way you cut your hair She’s so hot she likes you you’re so nice She wants you yeah right In your dreams The show is over its time to leave You look around where could she be She’s not there no chance to share good-byes You leave alone again from club paradise With no cash good night She likes you yeah right In your dreams You know you’ll see her once again next week She’s a so hot she like you you’re so nice She wants you yeah right In your dreams LET'S TALK DIRTY IN HAWAIIAN (John Prine & Fred Koller) I packed my bags and bought a ticket For the land of the tall palm trees Aloha old Milwaukee hello Waikiki I just stepped down from the airplane When I thought I heard her say Wacka wacka nooka licka wacka wacka nooka licka Would you like lei? (Chorus) Oh, lets talk dirty in Hawaiian whisper in my ear Kikka pooka moka wawahini Are the words I long to hear Lay your coconuts on my tiki Lika lika nookie nookie dear Let’s talk dirty in Hawaiian Say the words I long to hear It’s a ukulele Honolulu sunset listen to the grass skirts sway Drinking rum from a pineapple out on Honolulu bay The steel guitars are playing While she tells me with her hands Gimme gimme oka-doka make a wisha wanna pokka Words I understand (Chorus) Well I boughta lotta junka with my moola I sent it to the folk’s back home I never had a chance to dance the hula Well I guess I should have known When you wanna talka with a sweet wahini Walk her in the pale moonlight Okka doka whatta setta knocka-rocka sis-boom-bocca Hope I said it right FREEWAY BLUES (Bob Kevoian) You’ve had a wild weekend but weekend’s are short It’s Monday morning once again; it’s time to join the rat race You see you’re running late You wish you could go back to bed You wander through the house feeling like a zombie You just can’t seem to find you shoes You got the early Monday morning Need a cup of coffee time to fight the freeway blues You’re finally out the door its time to head for the office The freeway traffic’s jammed for miles It’s the quickest way you know so you enter very slow You reach for your radio dial Now you try to relax and move with the traffic When some dick cuts in front of you You got the early Monday morning Need a cup of coffee time to fight the freeway blues (Chorus) You ride yes you ride Listening to the radio You ride yes you ride Traffic’s moving way to slow Every morning on the road you see some man With a finger shoved up in his nose Some jerk is riding on your ass you can’t speed up Cause you see you’re almost out of gas (Chorus) You see that lovely off ramp exit one mile You try to move to the exit lane But the gal next to you is staring in her mirror Trying to put on her morning face, you slowly squeeze over You finally make the exit you can now look forward too The Monday evening madness Had too much coffee’s time to fight the freeway blues EVERYTHING SEEMS CLICHÉ (Bob Kevoian) Everything seems cliche’ on this red letter day I’m busy as a bee, you know money doesn’t grow on trees Time flies when you’re having fun And a woman’s work is never done I’m happy as a clam, lets get naked and slam some ham She’s got a real nice looking ass I’d sleep with her at the drop of a hat When you can’t think of the right words to say use a cliche’ I’m hungry as a horse; I’m a day late and a dollar short I’ve had aunts in my pants all day They’re still sexy but old and gray What crawled up your ass and died Is a frog’s ass watertight? You must be out of your mind, stick it where the sun don’t shine Damn it’s as cold as a well diggers ass Could freeze off the balls on a monkey of brass When you can’t think of the right words to say use a cliche’ A jack of all trades a master of none Young, dumb, and full of rum I’m drunker than a skunk, I feel like blowing chunks I need a little hair of the dog As I pray to the porcelain god Ain’t it a real kick in the ass? I’ve got a monkey on my back Drinks are on me as a matter of fact use a cliche’ Have a nice day Here’s mud in your eye Eat shit and die DON'T PASS OUT (Bob Kevoian & Whit Grayson) You’ve had one beer to many; you start to get the spins Don’t pass out around your friends or the nightmare soon begins They’ll tie your shoes together and steal all your clothes Or paint red nail polish on your fingers and your toes Don’t pass out around your buddies Don’t black out around your friends When you’re in a coma the mischief never ends The friends you thought were loyal are rowdy when they’re drunk You’ll wake up from your stupor locked inside your trunk They’ll open up your wallet and take a little loan They’ll call some girl in Tokyo and charge it to your phone Your fingers in warm water your eyebrows smeared with nair Your pants around your ankles and your duct-taped to a chair Don’t pass out around your buddies Don’t black out around your friends When you’re in a coma the mischief never ends The friends you thought were loyal are drunken and depraved You may wake up in the morning find your testicles are shaved So give a rebel yell have some beers and raise some hell But careful what you do cause someday you’ll pass out too They’ll shave off half your mustache and then the pranks get lewd They’ll take a Polaroid of your girlfriend in the nude Your picture’s on the Internet the ultimate disgrace A close up color photo of a dildo in your face Don’t pass out around your buddies Don’t black out around your friends When you’re in a coma the mischief never ends The friends you thought were loyal are drunk and have a plan You’ll wake and find your penis super glued into your hand So give a rebel yell have some beers and raise some hell But careful what you do cause someday you’ll pass out too The friends you thought were loyal are drunken and obscene You’ll wake and wonder why your ass is smeared with Vaseline So give a rebel yell have some beers and raise some hell But careful what you do cause someday you’ll pass out too STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN'S DATE (Bob Kevoian & Whit Grayson) I’m looking for stupid people with some money Who would like to follow me? I’ll be the shepherd of the flock and you will be my sheep We’ll build a compound near L.A. and stockpile weapons while we pray I’m looking for moronic losers with some money Who would like to follow me Follow morons follow me I’m looking for cretins with a lot of cash So I can spend their dough I’ll take the men on a pilgrimage down to Mexico In Baja I will make some calls and have a vet cut off their balls I’m looking for moronic losers with some money Who would like to follow me Follow eunuchs follow me In my cult you see the women worship me I have sex with them till dawn Cause the other guys their balls are gone I’m looking for moronic losers with some money Who would like to follow me I’m looking for a dumbass who has no friends And feels that he is lost I’ll promise him eternal life ten grand is all it costs Drink this Kool-Aid have no fear I called the bank your check has cleared I’m looking for moronic losers with some money Who would like to follow me In my cult you see the women worship me I promise them all peace at last in exchange for a piece of ass I’m looking for moronic losers with some money Who would like to follow me Follow dumbass follow me A ROMANTIC EVENING (Bob Kevoian & Steve Allee) The kids, are gone, we’re here tonight, Just you, and me, at home, A romantic evening, all alone. Close, the shades, for privacy, Dis - connect, the phone, A romantic evening, all alone. Put the g-string on, with the fishnet hose, Wear the six-inch heels for me. Dance around the room, show a little skin, Fulfill my fantasy. Remove, my lace, underwear, Make, me squeal, and moan, A romantic evening, all alone. Turn around and let me see your eyes. The look, the flash, surprise. Let me take your picture by the fireplace, Lay naked on the floor and strike a pose, A romantic evening, all alone. Use the sexy toys, lubricate my skin, Stimulate my lips my dear Rub your back with oil, do your front with cream I think somebody’s here The kids, are back, unlock the door, Hide, the toys, they’re home. A romantic evening A romantic evening A romantic evening, all alone. THAT'S MY SISTER (Bob Kevoian & Whit Grayson) Walking down the Blvd, I got the morning blues Time to buy some coffee and a copy of the news At the news stand there I see a group of men convene Staring at the cover of a dirty magazine My god that’s my sister on juggs magazine She’s the one there on the cover The new big bouncy queen Look at little sister, I can’t believe her size She’s a 44-d cupper with my mother’s eyes Is that my little sister who helped me do the chores? Doin’ 3 guys all at once, smiling on all fours I turn the pages in disgust I can’t believe my eyes Is that another woman between my sister’s thighs? Oh my god that’s my sister in juggs magazine She’s the one there on page seven With a jar of Vaseline Turn the page she’s in an orgy at the bottom of the pile She’s a 44-d cupper with my mother’s smile Should I buy each copy and throw them all away Or maybe buy just one and hide it for a rainy day They advertise for sissy and all the things she’ll do Log on to her website and she’ll have sex with you You can buy her panties and videos online Or you can watch my sister strip for 7.99 Holy shit that’s my sister stripping on the net And if your modems fast enough you can tell she’s wet That’s my little sister my god she’s shaved it bare She’s a 44 d cupper but where my mothers hair I tried to call up sissy but reaching her was hard An operator asked my age and for my credit card Walking down the Blvd, I got the morning blues Time to buy some coffee and a copy of the news At the news there I see a group of men convene Staring at my sister on another magazine Hey, that’s my sister in Forbes magazine She’s the goddess of the Internet the sexy cyber queen Sissy made her fortune with her charm and wits She’s a multimillionairess with my mother’s brains LITTLE MAN IN THE BOAT (Bob Kevoian & Whit Grayson) There was a young lady Who had the reddest of hair Her cuffs matched the collar Then one day shaved off her muff with a smile She loved the smoothness of the little man in the boat Her nickname was cueball She never let it grow back She buzzed the beave daily While dialing O on the pink telephone She loved the feeling of the little man in the boat She beat it like a speed bag The little man in the boat She never gets lonely She pets her kitty all day The pink pearl gets polished And gets a self-guided tuna boat tour The two finger tango with the little man in the boat She beat it like a speed bag The little man in the boat KAYE (Bob Kevoian & Steve Allee) I met Kaye on vacation I heard she had a spicy reputation She loved many men, even a lady or two We made love nights and mornings Then one day she left me with out warning She walked out that door I need to see her again If you see Kaye have her call I miss the way she moaned When we were having a ball If you see Kaye tell her hi I miss her cooking and eating her pie I want her back in my bed I miss the little kisses with her head Oh the trick with her tongue, enough to make you go mad Kaye loved like Venus Feeling of her hands between us She’s the queen of the ball I need to see her again If you see Kaye have her write I missed the way she wiggled under me each night If you see Kaye let her know I miss her lips and to feel her below She loves that baby gravy She had her share of seaman in the navy If you see Kaye, I miss her If you see Kaye I want to kiss her If you see Kaye I need to meat her again